Conscious Un-coupling

I was interviewed for an article on divorce for the NY Post this week, and was asked what I thought of the term “conscious un-coupling”. New age way of say that you are getting a divorce, or is it something bigger?

The term conscious un-coupling implies, at least to me, a certain degree of thought or care.  One is conscious of what one is doing within your divorce. You are going to think about what you are doing and what you are asking for; what will this mean to the children? How will my spouse react to this? Will this work in terms of both of us getting on with our lives? To the extent this is what the term leads to it would be a dramatic shift in the way couples un-couple.

For most couples divorce is difficult and leaves everyone bitter and stressed. If the divorce is not expected by one party or if there is infidelity involved it is not surprising that a certain amount of angst is present.

Conscious un-coupling is very much what I do with folks in my practice. I help them build a future in their minds before they start making decisions in their divorces.

Where do you want to be in 2 years? What will your life look like? Once you get a picture of what you want to see for yourself in the future you can develop a plan to get there. Maybe you always wanted to be a teacher and need to go back to school to get a teaching certificate in order to get a job. If there is not enough money to make ends meet for both households then returning to school on a full time basis may not work but perhaps part time will. Without thinking through, or being ‘conscious’ of what you are doing within your divorce you are not likely to get a result that will empower you in the future or make you happy.

Once you have a picture of what you want you can take the realities of your financial situation and the needs of your children and build a strategy to get there. Conscious un-coupling will give you a much better result if you think forward rather than staying in a reactive mode.

As a PS I just heard from Kate Storey from the NY Post telling me that my quotes for her article ended up in the editors’ recycling bin; so much for my 15 minutes of fame!

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