What You Tell Yourself During Your Divorce

This blog touches close to home. I recently ran into a man in the gym who seemed very familiar but I could not place him. I asked him, how do I know you?  He introduced himself and then it all came back.

He was a friend of my X’s who turned against me in my divorce because he believed every word out of my X’s mouth. My X was telling everyone who would listen, that I was not giving him enough money for food.

Very scary thought, not being able to buy food.

At the time I was working on Wall Street and had a very substantial income. The court had awarded my X, and I was paying over, $15K a month in support to my X. Yet he told everyone that he had no money for food.

My point in telling you this? My X had worked himself up into believing that he had no money for food. He was so caught up in his story and lost the reality of the situation. My X was used to having no limit on his spending, and now he had to live within the monthly amount. It likely felt like there was no money for food despite the absurd amount of money at his disposal. Had he stopped and recognized that he had $15K a month, perhaps he would not have felt so panicked.

Listen to the stories you are telling yourself during your divorce. Are you making yourself feel worse than the reality of the situation? Uncertainty causes fear and if you are fearful everything will seem more difficult.

Your ability to discern the reality of your situation will be difficult because you are in the thick of it. So here is what you do – write it down, get the situation on paper. If you are panicked about money, figure out how much you are spending and on what. Look at what you have and see where you are. Do you have enough money or do you need to curtail your spending? Once you know your numbers you will be in a much better position to determine if you can buy a new pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or if you have to go to DSW and buy the knock off.

The stuff you tell yourself will determine how your day goes. If the first thought in your head in the morning is fearful and stressed, your day will be stressful. If you can see the reality of what you are facing fear will subside and your day will be better.

So get a pen and paper and get to work.

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