by Suzanne Sparrow | Jun 20, 2014 | Blog
Divorce sucks. Sorry, no soft sell today. Regardless of what is in your divorce settlement agreement and despite having a great divorce consultant and attorney, if the other side is unwilling to comply you may find yourself in a tight spot.
You go to court, spending $5 – 15 K in legal fees in the process, and get a settlement that you think will let you pay the bills and then, your X just doesn’t give you any money.
The family court system, at least in NJ, allows this financial abuse to occur for months without any real penalties for the non-paying party. If the other side doesn’t pay you have to go back to court to get enforcement or to have the probate division collect the funds for you. Then probate will not enforce late payment for months wanting yet another trip to court before they will act. The legal fees to get what is owed to you will likely be more than the amount that is due. The system is broken but that is another discussion.
Your reality, in this situation, is that you cannot rely on your X for support. The more you sit back and wait the worse it will be. You can get lost in the world of “My X gets to do anything and there are no consequence” or the other really good one “My X wins every time and I lose” or my favorite, “It’s not fair”.
See your situation for what it is and control what you can. Living your life waiting for money that might never come will leave you stressed and paralyzed. Divorce is a transition and it will be shorter if you take control.
Take an inventory of the areas that are within your control; perhaps it is how you spend your time or the job you are doing or your parenting schedule. If you are the full time parent bearing the bulk of the child care responsibilities and that is preventing you from looking for work or worse, actually getting a job then perhaps you need to change the parenting agreement. Drop the kids off with your spouse and tell him that you need the next two days to look for work. Let your spouse feel the reality of your situation. Find a baby sitter and tell your spouse that you need extra funds to pay for it. (OK I know your X is not paying but it will be a bit of a reality check.).
Once you have your own income there will be a subtle shift in the balance of your divorce. Your X will not have the same power over you and your negotiating position will shift, ever so slightly.
The take away:
- Find the areas in your life where you have some control.
- Make changes in those areas to make your life better
Do what you can to take control over your life. Even a small step will make you feel better and will move you forward.
by Suzanne Sparrow | May 28, 2014 | Blog
I was interviewed for an article on divorce for the NY Post this week, and was asked what I thought of the term “conscious un-coupling”. New age way of say that you are getting a divorce, or is it something bigger?
The term conscious un-coupling implies, at least to me, a certain degree of thought or care. One is conscious of what one is doing within your divorce. You are going to think about what you are doing and what you are asking for; what will this mean to the children? How will my spouse react to this? Will this work in terms of both of us getting on with our lives? To the extent this is what the term leads to it would be a dramatic shift in the way couples un-couple.
For most couples divorce is difficult and leaves everyone bitter and stressed. If the divorce is not expected by one party or if there is infidelity involved it is not surprising that a certain amount of angst is present.
Conscious un-coupling is very much what I do with folks in my practice. I help them build a future in their minds before they start making decisions in their divorces.
Where do you want to be in 2 years? What will your life look like? Once you get a picture of what you want to see for yourself in the future you can develop a plan to get there. Maybe you always wanted to be a teacher and need to go back to school to get a teaching certificate in order to get a job. If there is not enough money to make ends meet for both households then returning to school on a full time basis may not work but perhaps part time will. Without thinking through, or being ‘conscious’ of what you are doing within your divorce you are not likely to get a result that will empower you in the future or make you happy.
Once you have a picture of what you want you can take the realities of your financial situation and the needs of your children and build a strategy to get there. Conscious un-coupling will give you a much better result if you think forward rather than staying in a reactive mode.
As a PS I just heard from Kate Storey from the NY Post telling me that my quotes for her article ended up in the editors’ recycling bin; so much for my 15 minutes of fame!
by Suzanne Sparrow | May 7, 2014 | Blog
I have been so amazed by one of my client’s attitudes towards her divorce that I thought I would be beneficial to share her approach.
A while ago, I suggested that she attend a divorce support group that I help run. After the first meeting she said that she did not want to go again because she did not want to be her divorce.
Let me repeat. She did not want to BE her divorce.
After being in a room of men and women who seemed to be stuck in what had happened to them she recognized that re-living the experiences over and over again only brought her back to them. She wanted to move forward and start to live again.
This is an incredible healthy way to approach your divorce.
What happened during your marriage or during your divorce is in the past. Even if you are in the thick of it, what happened yesterday happened yesterday and is in the past. You can let the past define your current situation or you can accept your past experiences, learn from them if you can, and let them go.
I believe that this will be easier said than done for many, but imagine if you could let the past drop from in front of you. Wouldn’t the path be lighter? Wouldn’t you feel free of the anger and anxiety that is currently weighing you down?
When you are angry at someone (your X, for example) you are the one experiencing the anger. You are the one who is stressed. Your X s not here to experience your wrath or to hear what you have to say. Only you are here. When you re-live all your difficult experiences they come right back at you and you go through them again and again. You are the one to experience the anger not the intended recipient.
I know my client continues to experience difficulties in her divorce and she still has months to go before she is through the process; but she is coping very well. Her determination to not allow her divorce to define her life is making her journey much easier.
Another interesting result from her approach is that it has carried over to her lawyer. Her legal counsel’s approach has been modified as well. While her lawyer continues to be strategic and directed (one of the few I have found who is,) they have been less aggressive and “in your face”.
Setting aside the problems you have faced is something you might try. Start with baby steps; the fact that your X never picks the kids up on time for example. Let that one go. How can your anger at that fact either change it or make you feel better?
It can’t.
If you are not angry when your X arrives late the whole situation will decompress and you will feel better. Your children will notice the change and you will begin to anticipate pick up and drop off with a different mindset.
Give it a go, what do you have to lose?
by Suzanne Sparrow | May 1, 2014 | Blog
The house is one of the most difficult assets to deal with in a divorce. People do not get emotional about shares of Apple or GE but ask them about the house and they have definite and usually emotional responses.
Most time the house needs to be sold as it is typically the largest asset and one party may not have the funds to buy the other out of their equity interest in the home. Before you make any decisions there are a few things to think about.
What does your home cost to own and operate? You must, must, must understand the costs of running your home. Do not make any decisions before you do.
List out the annual cost of the mortgage, gas/oil, electricity, water, (call the utilities to get an annual number if you do not have access to past bills) real estate taxes, property insurance, service contracts such as lawn care, snow removal and furnace maintenance, house cleaning and home maintenance costs. Take a look at how these costs have increased over the past few years. Add everything up and see what it is on a monthly basis.
Also really look at the physical condition of the house and see what large costs might be coming at you in the next few years. Will the roof need to be replaced or the driveway repaved? Are the tiles falling off the wall in the bathroom or is the dishwasher leaking? Look at your current house as if it was a new house you were buying. Can you afford to pay for the needed repairs? Is the house properly valued for buyout price purposes?
If the money works for you to buy out the other party there are tax considerations to think about. As an individual you have a tax free capital gain of $250,000 on the sale of your home. If you sell the house jointly you each get $250,000. So if you buy out your spouse using pension assets, for example, and then sell the house a few years later and have a capital gain of $500,000, you will be taxed on $250,000 of that gain. This could result in a large tax liability. So the asset you thought you were getting may not be the same as getting cash or a stock portfolio.
If your real reason to hold on to the house is for your children to finish school then it may be wiser to negotiate the timing of the sale. You can have your lawyer draft language into your property settlement agreement to defer the sale until 3 months after your child finishes school. Even if that is 2 years from now the home will be sold as a joint asset and the tax burden on the sale will be shared, not assumed by one party.
Selling your home is also very stressful for everyone so if you have to sell, consider the timing. Keep your children in mind as you move. Moving over the summer is the best for school purposes and will take pressure off them. Also if they have to switch schools it will be easier to do that in September.
As always, I am a telephone call away if you have any questions. Also if you have a question post it as a reply to the blog and I will respond.
by Suzanne Sparrow | Mar 25, 2014 | Blog
I saw this great post on LinkedIn today; “Let’s Stop the Glorification of Busy” by Guy Kawasaki. He was taking excerpts from Arianna Huffington’s new Book “Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder”. and applying it to society’s culture of being busy.
Reading through, I discovered that the ten suggestions from “Thrive” applied aptly to divorce as much as it does to taming our culture of “busy”.
- Redefine success. Divorce is a series of losses, some small and others terribly difficult to deal with. Knowing this, redefining what “success” means to you will help your cope with the new set of circumstances.
- Avoid burnout. Stress and depression are always there during a divorce. To the extent you can take care of yourself to avoid burnout you will be ahead of the game.
- Nurture your well-being. This goes hand in hand with avoiding burnout. Take time to do the things you like to do. Read a book, go for a run, bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine or visit with a friend: Do anything you can to bring yourself joy.
- Sleep your way to the top. Get more sleep. While stress may keep you awake do the best you can to get lots of sleep.
- Take a digital detox. If you are in a high conflict divorce the email and text traffic from you X will not be beneficial to focus on 24/7. So be disciplined and only look at and or respond one time during the day. If you are the party firing off a dozen emails a day to your X, take a break, let you mind and soul rest. Everything can wait. Sometimes a break can stop a heated exchange and if you do not respond immediately it will not reward the behavior.
- Keep Learning. Great idea during you divorce. Learning something will re-focus your brain. It will also bolster your self esteem and make you feel great.
- Listen to your inner voice. Your gut instincts are usually right. If it doesn’t feel right it isn’t right. Sleep on decisions that feel wrong. Write the email and then don’t send it until you have had a chance to cool down. This is so important. At the end of your divorce you want to be able to hold your head high that your did the right thing.
- Act like a child. Letting yourself enjoy something with the joy of a child is a great stress breaker. I love to go to the beach and see the sun rise (east coast), west coast try sun set. Go play with your dog or take a walk in the woods. Whatever gives you pleasure will help you re-focus.
- Find solitude. Meditation is so powerful. During divorce the brain is on overdrive so finding even 5 minutes to sit and let your mind calm down will do wonders. Think of your brain as a computer. You need to shut down the multiple operating programs to allow the “computer” to power down, same with your mind. Meditation will do that. Check out Deepak Chopra’s website for lots of great content
- Give back to your community. Volunteering or merely doing something kind for a stranger will make you feel good. Your endorphin levels rise when you do something kind for someone. Getting involved in a charitable organization will get you out there and away from your worries.
Ten things might to heard to do all at once, so do one each day. When one idea feels easy and is part of your routine, incorporate another. Have hope and be strong. Divorce passes and you will make it through.
