by LDUS2530 | Jun 28, 2012 | Blog
There are only a few things you can be certain about in life, I know death and taxes, tell me something new… In divorce even death will not save you. The only thing you can be certain of is that things will change. Circumstances in your divorce change continuously and it is important to keep with the flow and to try to get ahead of it. I used to call it the trauma du jour.
What is the latest issue coming at you? How can you deal with it to either make it go away or to deal with the issue so that it does not come back at you. It is rather like cleaning up your kitchen counter, if you can handle things once rather than putting them in a pile to deal with later, the mess goes away permanently, albeit a little more slowly.
So when something comes at you, think about ways to deal with the issue once. Develop alternatives that you can present to your X. If there are alternatives it will be easier for the other party to pick one rather than being presented with only one way you find acceptable. Try not to put things off to deal with that in mediation or court, getting issues off the table will reduce your legal costs and shorten the time frame.
Developing alternatives is one of the best things you can do to help your divorce along
by LDUS2530 | Jun 27, 2012 | Blog
Most folks think that their divorce has a life of its own and that they have no control over its direction. Nothing is further from the truth. Eventually the court system will drag you through the process if there has been no action for a while but this is NOT a good way to do things.
Does your car drive you to work without steering it? Do your pots and pans fix you dinner without adding ingredients, heat and preparation? Absurd comparisons? Perhaps a bit out there but I wanted to make a point.
You are responsible for how your divorce goes. You are in control of its direction and for pushing it along. Like your car, if you do not steer you will be lost and it will take forever to get to your destination. Your divorce is the same.
You need to determine what you want and build a step by step plan to get it. An essential part of this plan is to make sure that your lawyer understands your wishes and adheres to them.
Notwithstanding I was a basket case at the beginning of my divorce, I repeatedly asked my lawyer what the plan was, what is the strategy? She looked at me as if I were from Mars. Needless to say we parted company but not before my life’s savings were spent in legal bills.
This is not a fate I wish for any of you and it is why I do what I do.
by LDUS2530 | Jun 26, 2012 | Blog
Too often people do not recognize who has the negotiating power for each situation. Failure to see the reality of the situation will cause you to give in where you did not need to or give up more than you had to.
For example, if you are the party in the marital home and the home is to be sold you have the upper hand in determining how the sale occurs. You are in control of making any needed repairs, providing access for the real estate agent for visits and open houses. This gives you the ability to call the shots on this situation.
This principal applies to just about every situation. The key is to recognize your position and use it to your advantage. If you have leverage in one area you can use that to balance the scales in an area where your position is less strong.
You may be willing to reduce your level of alimony by a certain amount to have your X assume more/all of the credit card debt. Taking debt off your side of the equation is very important to your credit score, reduces interest costs, and will give you more borrowing power for the future. This may be more important than the alimony dollars you are forgoing.
Remember, divorce is a business negotiation. Figuring out where you have a strong position and using that position to shore up where you are weak will give you the best overall results.
by LDUS2530 | Jun 25, 2012 | Blog
You know what this is like. Something just happened and it has rocked you to your core. You feel like the world is spinning and you cannot believe that this is happening to you.
You cannot stand there like a deer in the headlights and allow the proverbial “car” to hit you, but the wrong response can have a lasting impact. What you do next is very important. After an event that leaves you stunned, hurt and confused how you react can shape the rest of your divorce. It is important not to allow the emotional impact of the event change your response.
What is the real impact of what just happened? Were you accused of all sorts of things that are not even remotely true and are so outrageous that it is absurd? Well if that is the case, let me tell you the courts hear this stuff all day long and take it with a grain of salt. The facts and the stories people tell about the facts are often very different.
In divorce, people’s emotions cause their “truth” to be distorted. What they believe is real can be very off. Statements in court documents and in letters from counsel are often designed to make you look bad and to hurt you. Often times the anger from your X is so sever that all you can do is stand back and let the flames rage .
Sometimes you need to respond but often times the best thing you can do is send them a one line response….. “I deny all of the statements in your letter lawyers/motion.” When you need to respond be brief and point out the gaps in their reality.
The less you fight back the shorter the fight will be.
by LDUS2530 | Jun 19, 2012 | Blog
NJ is an equitable distribution state – meaning that the division of assets is determined along the lines of what is fair or equitable. Notwithstanding this fact in most cases a 50/50 division is used.
Everything that you and your spouse acquired during the marriage will be shared equally. However there are some assets that are excluded from the division of property. Inheritances that were not co-mingled (they were kept separate and no marital funds were used to repair/maintain them) antiques, real estate, jewelry or money. If you owned a home prior to marriage and then used marital income to fix it up it is now marital property however you may have some negotiating room to argue that you contributed more to the marriage so it is equitable that you should come away with more.
All the personal property (your stuff) is shared. How you select the items is up to you and there a bunch of different ways to do this. Each person alternates choosing items until everything is gone. To do this you need to make a comprehensive list of your possessions and then use the list to select from, building two lists, one for each of you. There can be strategy here. If your x has chosen something that you really wanted, you need to pick something that you think your x will want to trade for. Maybe you only want a few things and are willing to leave the rest.
What happens to the stuff neither of you wants? Who is going to have to deal with the junk, have a garage sale or pay to have it taken away?
Just don’t fight about the stuff and please don’t use legal dollars to fight about the stuff.
Debt and savings are all typically shared equally. Can you argue that certain debt was the responsibility of one party due to the nature of what was spent?
Did your X take vacations or go to expensive restaurants while you had to stay home because you did not have any funds? This debt could be looked at as an inappropriate use of marital assets and not be split. If your X has been living the high life you can argue that you should not have to pay for it.
If the credit card debt was used to pay for ordinary living expenses for the family prior to Pendente Lite support, it could be argued that this should be your X’s responsibility.
Pensions are also shared. However if you had a pension before marriage it is not shared. The organic growth of a pre-marital pension is also yours but you need to be able to demonstrate that number. It gets complicated if you had the pension before you married as well as after. Complicated but not impossible. Determine if the numbers are worth fighting for. Frequent flyer miles, the forgotten asset, are also split. Unvested stocks/options are also subject to sharing.
