Being a divorce coach in NJ, I hear this question often, and there is never a good answer.
First thing to consider is that divorce never feels “fair”. A good settlement is when both parties are feeling like they did not get what they wanted. Each of you gave away more than you wanted and you both received less than you wanted.
Hopefully, you are not asking this question after you have settled. It is difficult to change things if you have signed a marital settlement agreement.
This is a tough question in a high conflict divorce. Often there is one party that is the cause of the high conflict due to their extreme positions on the issues or due to hostile and abusive behavior. If this is your situation, make sure you have good legal and strategic advice and emotional support from an expert divorce consultant.
Many times you may feel like you just want to be done with the negotiation process and you may walk away from what you are entitled to leaving more on the table for your X.
This is a completely understandable approach; money does not mean everything, will not bring you happiness, and peace of mind is valuable. If this is where you are, just be aware that your settlement will reflect your willingness to walk away.
If you are a non-aggressive spouse, in this type of situation there are strategies to use to your advantage rather than just give in to it. A divorce consultant will definitely help you to understand all the tricks to get the result in your favor. Some of the behavior of your X is predictable, so expect it and plan accordingly. A plan and a strategy can help defuse the hostility, give you more control and bring things to a close with a better outcome. The old saying “the best offense is a good defense” holds true here.
Another issue you will face in the settlement of your divorce as the non-aggressive spouse is that there will be tremendous pressure put upon you to settle. Both the mediator and your attorney will pressure you to give in to conclude the negotiations. If one party does not budge on an issue everyone will look to the other party to move. Difficult to deal with when your divorce consultant is telling you to settle and you do not feel it is fair. If this is happening to you push back on your attorney and ask for their rationale for settling, ask them to run the numbers for you to show you why it is an economic decision to settle.
The reason often given is that you will end up in a trial. Just remember this is as big a threat to the other side as it is to you.
Going into your settlement discussions with a clear understanding of the issues you are facing and developing alternatives around each of them will help you make better decisions.
Remember this is your divorce and you are ultimately responsible for the settlement you receive. If you choose to settle as a way of moving on, that is perfectly OK. It is your choice and if you believe that this is the best strategy, go with your gut. Happiness will come to you and the quicker you set aside the angst of your divorce the faster it will arrive.