Divorce is tough, very tough. This is likely the hardest thing you have had to go through in your life. Other events, while they may have been harder at the time, did not last for months, if you are lucky, or for years if you are not. Divorce touches every aspect of your life; your family, friends and your work. Nothing will be left unaltered.
This is the reality of divorce so you need to cut yourself some slack. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Recognize that your world has been fundamentally altered and the new way of life needs time to settle.
If you are a mom who now has an empty house when the kids are with dad and the silence is killing you, or if you are a dad who does not get to see his kids every night before bed and misses that goodnight kiss, it is OK to feel the emptiness. Let that feeling sit with you. You need to grieve the loss and accept the change.
Think about all the things you never had a chance to do when you were married. Go to the shore with a book, a picnic lunch and watch the waves. Go into the city and spend the day people watching. See old friends you may have lost touch with and go on weekend trips to visit family who are out of town they will be glad to see you and you will give them comfort that you are coping. Your life will begin to fill with new experiences and you will begin to discover the person that you are outside of your marriage.
The re-creation of you will not only be therapeutic, it is essential for your children. They will sense that you are becoming more centered and at peace and that life goes on and expand. They will begin to see that things are going to be fine. Your children need you to be happy, it will reduce their stress. Their ability to see a happy future depends, to a great extent upon you moving on.
Again, this is easier said than done but it is doable so get started with baby steps if necessary.
In my last post I explained what a divorce consultant does. So why should you hire one? Divorce is an expensive process on its own, why should you add another professional?
A few questions you need to consider. Are you talking to your lawyer about non legal issues and incurring large legal bills? Do you understand the decision you will need to make during your divorce? Do you have the time to do the leg work required to respond to court replies, pull the financial information together to determine your marital lifestyle, respond to the information requests and document production(discovery requests)? Are you prepared to respond to the potentially outrageous demands from your spouse in a way that will lead to settlement as opposed to leading to court? Do you know your money situation, how much you have and where is it being spent (without this knowledge you can find yourself in a world of grief)? Have you thought out the best possible parenting strategy for your children and how you will manage it given your work schedule or that of your spouse? What will your financial situation look like when you get to the end of your divorce?
Simply, without knowledge of the decisions you have to make and the alternatives around those decisions you will spend longer getting your divorce done, you will be in a reactive mode rather than being proactive and controlling the situation and, your legal bills will be many multiple times what they would be with a consultant having your back.
When you work with a Divorce Consultant you will:
Have peace of mind that you made the best possible decision given your circumstances.
Understand the potential alternatives around the decisions you need to make.
Have a picture of what your outcome will look like from the beginning so that you can plan for your future.
Get a better outcome for your children so that they suffer less.
Be able to be proactive rather than reactive resulting in less drama.
Go into mediation with a plan and strategy to get your divorce done.
If you have to go to court provide your lawyer with the evidence to support your arguments so they can win your position in court.
Sleep better at night.
Have less anxiety.
Have someone to talk to as you think through issues and not be on the clock incurring costs for every minute of conversation.
The better question is: Can you afford not to have a divorce consultant?
It’s a new profession that assists you in your divorce to understand the decisions you are facing; help build a strategy for you and your loved ones; and prepare the evidence necessary to support your needs. Divorce Consultants also help you understand your alternatives, as there can be many ways to settle your divorce.
Divorce can be either litigious or mediated, and it also often needs to consider custody of children. It is a legal and emotionally charged event. As a working executive, you are often too time poor to appropriately deal with the conflicts that arise and the needs of the divorce process. Your Divorce Consultant will work with you to prepare what is needed and provide a well thought out, logical argument, backed by the supporting evidence, to get you a quick mediated outcome or save time briefing your lawyer.
Divorce Consultants approach custody in a child friendly manner. They take care to ensure that your children are insulated from the divorce and make sure that they are cared for. After custody is settled divorce is a negotiation of who gets how much of your assets, income and possessions that you have accumulated. The Divorce Consultant approaches these issues in a practical and methodical manner that will position you to get great results that are fair and balanced. As a result your divorce will be faster, more amicable and will cost you less; emotionally and financially.
If you are already in a highly litigious situation, a Divorce Consultant may be the factor that turns your divorce in your favor. As a working executive you are likely unable to devote the time it takes to respond to a litigious situations and failure to do so will cost you a fortune in legal fees, payments to your spouse and will cause your divorce to be unnecessarily long.
If you are contemplating divorce, a Divorce Consultant will position you with the information and alternatives to settle your divorce in mediation quickly and efficiently. The party that enters a negotiation with the greatest amount of preparation will direct the discussion and end up with the results they want. While you cannot control your spouse, a well thought out proposal that is fair and balanced will position you as “reasonable” and you will ultimately prevail.
Another consideration is that your lawyer will have a much better ability to represent you if you provide your lawyer a well thought out, logical argument, backed by the supporting evidence. Your position will be stronger and your Divorce Consultant’s work will make your lawyer’s job considerably easier. Preparing your lawyer will get you better results and save you an enormous amount in legal fees. Your Divorce Consultant will develop the supporting your arguments, prepare the financial data for the exhibits and find the copies of documents that will prove your case.
Absent a divorce consultant your lawyer will be required to do the same work but will not, typically, have had the benefit of extensive financial knowledge, an understanding of tax issues nor the ability to spend the time to dig through bank statements to find the evidence needed to support your case
Hiring a divorce consultant will take the weight off your shoulders of the tremendous amount of work needed to successfully manage and prevail in your divorce.
Irreconcilable differences is the term used in complaints for divorce in NJ as the reason for the divorce. Basically states that the relationship has reached a stage of full break down and there is no reasonable hope that you can find a way to stay married. It is a neutral way to file and is the basis most reasonable attorneys recommend to file.
The alternative to irreconcilable differences is to file on the basis of extreme mental cruelty, adultery, abuse, abandonment or drug or alcohol use for more than 12 months. The problem with this approach is that it airs your dirty laundry to the public and starts major fights. If you file on the basis of mental cruelty your spouse will file back with an equally nasty reply. This sets you up for an ugly divorce. Ugly means long and expensive; legal fees through the roof.
Unfortunately the divorce system is almost set up to make divorces more difficult than they have to be. The ability of spouses to file based on adultery or extreme mental cruelty when NJ is a no fault state is ridiculous. To explain – In a no fault state you do not need to have a reason for the divorce as you do in some states.
The other issue to consider is that what you allege will not likely change the final outcome of your divorce. You will still get roughly 50% of the assets and liabilities; and pay/get the same amount of alimony and child support irrespective of how you file. This is not something that attorney’s tell you up front.
Some attorneys’ will argue that the judge will take the basis for your complaint into consideration in their decision as they are human. Let’s put some reality to this; only 1% of cases go to trial where a judge actually decides your case. So do you set yourself up to have a long, nasty and expensive divorce or do you keep your anger and angst in your therapist’s office (where it belongs) and out of the negotiations.
The courts do not seem to care if one party had an affair or yelled at you all day when it comes to your financial settlement. A lady I recently ran into was counseled to re-file on the basis of mental cruelty as her attorney believed that it would it strengthen her position to have greater parenting time. I am dubious and think that her attorney is just setting her up for a more difficult time. Will have to follow up and see how things go for her.
It does not matter about the alleged sins of the parties in the marriage when it comes to the financial settlement. In other words it makes no difference if one party was abusive to the other you will still get the same alimony and share of assets. If there was real and permanent harm caused by the other party this would be handles in a Tevis claim, not your divorce.
So why do folks file on this basis? Does it allow them to vent in public as to how awful their marriage has been, some form of “gotcha” against their spouse, a feeling that they can tell their story? While it may initially make you feel better to have your story heard, all of these reasons do not belong in a negotiation.
Keep it simple, as neutral as possible and get out of your divorce with your money in your pockets and with your sanity intact.
I rarely publish outstanding results for my clients but this one was just awesome…
I prepared a 5 year marital lifestyle analysis according to Case Information Statement (NJ financial form) categories so that the judge would see the numbers in the standard way. In the text of the motion we referenced the exact pages of the transaction download so that every statement in the certification was backed by hard facts.
The presentation was clear and concise and the judge understood our position and gave my client an outstanding result.
The best part was that the judge turned to the lawyers and said “great papers”!
