Big question: One that you need to think about, and plan for. How much it will cost depends upon the track that you take, the lawyer you hire and, unfortunately, something completely out of your control, your spouse.
The least costly way is to negotiate the terms and conditions your divorce with your spouse and then use one of the pre-packaged do-your-own divorce kits to do the filing and then each have a review attorney. This can only happen if both of you are on the same page regarding getting a divorce and your issues are fairly straightforward, i.e. no children and alimony. If this is a go for you and your spouse, your costs could be less than $3,000 even if you each have a review attorney take a look at your final agreement.
The next least costly route is mediation. Finding a good mediator is essential as they will be able to guide you through the issues, have the experience to ask the right questions so that you carefully structure a solid agreement. To the extent that you can get some issues off the table prior to going to the mediator there may be further savings. Mediation, including drafting of the documents typically costs less than $10,000. Mediation requires that both parties want the divorce and both want to settle amicably.
A collaborative law divorce is more expensive than mediation but is less than a full blown court battle. Collaborative law mediation typically see your lawyers (yours and your spouse’s) to be in attendance at all mediation sessions, in addition to the mediator and usually incorporates other professionals such as a divorce coach (a therapist), not to be confused with a Divorce Consultant, to facilitate communication and possibly a Divorce Consultant to assist with the financial issues raised in mediation. This all adds up to a lot of dollars but it is a very effective way to negotiate a complex divorce or where one party is unable to speak for themselves in the negotiations. It is really difficult to put a number on how much it will cost as it really depends on the issues to resolve (do you have a marital business which must be valued and a buyout negotiated or a special needs child?). Likely ranges are $40-70,000 for all costs.
Then the category where most folks fall into is a mixed bag; some legal work, a trip or two to court to establish support or deal with parenting. Then mediation to try to resolve the issues when folks finally get sick of fighting or when the money for legal fees finally runs out.
This is the real crime in divorce. Folks are willing to fight until all the money is gone. They take a position, tell their lawyers to fight for that position and only realize that what they want is unattainable when they have spent a lot on lawyers and there is nothing left.
The reality is that high conflict divorces happen because high conflict people are involved, it is rarely the issues. One of my client’s spouses was hell bent to take their little boy away from him. She fought a nasty battle (trumped up assault charges, DCP involvement, and a refusal to negotiate) that resulted in legal fees of over $100,000 without negotiating a single issue. This is not typical but it does happen all too often.
Goes back to the basic issue that you do not have control over what your spouse will do, you can only control your reaction. Very difficult to do in the heat of the battle, particularly if children are involved, but it is essential. Sometimes it is better to agree to a position that is not optimal but add the caveat that you will re-address this issue in 6 months or a year. It will take the sting out of the process, gets things settled, cost less and, most importantly, puts you in control.
As you prepare for your divorce consider your adversary, think about what they are likely to do and plan a strategy to put out the flames rather than adding fuel to the fire. As always, I am an email away if you need some help sorting out your issues and picking your battles.
The cost associated with getting a divorce can be astronomical. Evan a fairly amicable divorce can result in significant fees if you are not mindful of what you ask of your lawyer. Lawyers get a bad rap in divorce, and there are undoubtedly some lawyers who’s billing practices are suspect, however most divorce lawyers are merely responding to their clients calls, emails, requests and legal needs. If their bills are high it is usually because their clients have not prioritized their needs and used their lawyer’s time judiciously.
Having a lawyer represent your interests in your divorce can be essential if you are unable to make mediation work in your negotiations. Even after a successful mediation it is highly recommended that you have a lawyer review your marital settlement agreement and provide you their advice. Your mediator will hopefully have helped you arrive at a fair settlement but your mediator does not look out for your interests; the mediator’s job is to help you settle not to make sure each party gets a “fair” deal. For example you may agree to something in mediation that is not common or is not quite 50/50 but you have done so for a number of reasons. Your mediator should have mentioned this, but maybe not.
In my own negotiations I was about to agreed to pay a certain level of alimony regardless of the circumstances; regardless of getting sick or losing my job or any other form of material change in circumstances. Our mediator did mention that this was not typical but did not advise me against this. When I went to my lawyer for a review of the document he strongly advised me against agreeing to this clause and explained to me how it could take everything away from me, including my children, if I happened to get sick and have no income. So you must get a second set of eyes on what you negotiate to protect yourself.
Ok, back on topic.
Having one lawyer represent the two of you means that the lawyer cannot really protect your interests as he has to protect both of your interests. The lawyer would end up acting more like a mediator as he/she could not protect both of you at the same time. You can agree to have one lawyer draft the documents if your mediator cannot do the drafting, which can save money, but do this only if your are proficient as reading legal documents.
Long, and rambly, way of saying not really.
The best thing you can do to keep your legal costs down is to manage your divorce. Developing a clear strategy outlining what you want and getting organized on the financial side will enable your lawyer to cut to the chase and present a settlement proposal to the other side quickly, reducing your costs.
I know I sound like a broken record on this point but this is what I do all day long and see the benefits of understanding your situation and having a plan.
Planning and being prepared is the best possible thing you can do as your prepare for your divorce. Go to mediation and have your mediator prepare your parenting agreement or property or marital settlement agreement it will save you anguish and a bundle in legal fees
Mother’s Day, is more than the day we celebrate Mom. It is a day where we thank all the Mothers in the world, not just our own. The bond between a Mother and her child is somehow different than that of a father and his child. Perhaps it is the physical connection; carrying and giving birth to children that does is, perhaps it is more spiritual as adoptive Mothers have the same bond with their children.
Your children want, no really need the time to be with their Mother on this special day. Make it easy for them to go see their Mother. Father’s you need to help your children make their mom happy. So help your children make card or gift or take the kids out to buy a something special for their Mom. They will be grateful as it will make them very happy to be able to surprise mom.
When I was growing up my Mum did not allow me to buy anything for her, she did not like how commercial Mother’s Day had become. So I made her breakfast in bed, picked dandelions in the garden and made a card.
I still remember many of these days and your children will remember them too. It is very normal for the children to be with their Mother on Mother’s Day.
Doing this will create good will between the two of you, even if it is not acknowledged. It will make you the better person and allow you to stand tall that you did the right thing for your children. Your children will also be greatly appreciative of your efforts although it may take years to hear it from them.
Dads as you will not have your children be with your Mom, your sister or other Mother’s you know who might need a hug.
Your child has just graduated from college; such a proud moment. Everything you have struggled through in your divorce seems like a distant memory as you watch your child walk to receive their degree. Life is good, no, life is excellent!
A month later you receive your support and discover that your child support has been reduced because you child is now emancipated. Children do not magically become self supporting the instant they received their degree and you are still providing a roof over their head, food and other basics, all of which cost money.
If your child is like most other newly minted grads, jobs are hard to come by and it can take a while to find a job which will allow them to be self supporting. Hiring a career consultant to speed them along this path is a really great idea to help them get their resume in shape and ace the interviews.
Hopefully the paying spouse will be cognizant that their child is not off your cost base and will be reasonable but if the child support has been cut the best thing to do is to go to mediation and try to work out a reasonable compromise.
What are your actual out of pocket expenses for your grad? A few of the usual expenses are the cell phone, car insurance, clothing expenses, gas and food. Get your bills together and see what the real costs are; is the amount less than the child support that was reduced? Can you afford to pay these without undue hardship? If the costs are high and your child has a part time job it may be time for them to take some responsibility for these expenses, so that they have an appreciation for what things cost and so that they get used to paying their own expenses.
If the costs are high it may be worthwhile to try to negotiate a sharing of these expenses. Perhaps your X can pick up the cell phone or car insurance and you carry the rest of the costs? Sharing the costs on the basis of you current incomes is also a reasonable approach. Perhaps asking for a specific period of time for support to continue would be doable or agreeing that as soon as the child is working full time support ends.
Just keep in mind that that you need to weigh the cost/benefit of this exercise. If your X will not co-operate and mediation is not a success then it may cost you more in legal fees than what you might receive. If that is the case take a deep breath and think that this too will pass.
Say the words “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” and what immediately comes to mind? Soldiers returning from war? Survivors of domestic or sexual abuse? How about crime victims or even those who have emerged from horrific car or plane accidents?
While these are all true, would it surprise you to know that those who have had to, or are still weathering extended periods of acrimony, verbal and mental abuse, or the emotional assault of child custody battles associated with divorce also may be suffering from a form of PTSD? Although technically, PTSD is often linked with one major event, complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder arises when a person suffers continual and multiple assaults to their senses.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth edition (American Psychiatric Association, 2013, Washington, DC) – or commonly referred to by legal and medical professionals simply as the DSM5 – PTSD occurs when a person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following are present: The person experienced, or witnessed indirectly, an event that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or threat to one’s physical integrity; and, the resulting symptoms include re-experiencing the event (flashbacks), numbing (a detachment of your feelings), hyper-vigilance (irritability, startle easily, and you need to know and control everything going on around you), and avoidance (generally of people, places or things that remind you of your estranged spouse).
In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior (acting out, disobedience). Yes, children exposed to extended marital strife can also experience PTSD, resulting in a decline in school performance, personal relationships, and a regression to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting, thumb sucking, and selective mutism).
Where these symptoms are the result of a series of events – such as repeated violations, ie verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse, physical or psychological bullying, harassment and stalking – the term Complex PTSD is more appropriate. (See National Center for PTSD).
While, to some, this may sound like psychological jargon, consider the amount of fear involved in a high percentage of divorces: fear of losing the children (or their affection), fear of financial strife, fear of losing one’s identity/standing in current social circles, and even – in some cases – fear for one’s own sanity or life as combative divorce procedures stretch out interminably. Like soldiers fresh from Iraq or Afghanistan, many going through divorce emerge with feelings of hopelessness, shame, guilt, and anger. They may cope with these feelings by isolating themselves from friends and relatives, engage in reckless behavior, or self-medicate with alcohol or drugs.
All classic symptoms and negative coping skills for those suffering from PTSD! Does any of this resonate with you? If it does, you are definitely not alone, but you can take measures to life yourself – and your children – out of this downward slide. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are key features of depression which can lead to a higher risk of heart disease, obesity, diabetes, osteoporosis, substance abuse and suicide.
You can recover – and even thrive and fulfill yourself more completely – after divorce, but it helps to seek short term counseling. There you can learn to mourn your loss constructively, edit the negative people out of your life, identify your strengths, embrace a redesigned path, and make the time to nurture and accept who you have become.
Remember, your mind, body and spirit are all connected. You can recover from Complex PTSD and become a more authentic you!
Denise Lang-Grant is a licensed therapist specializing in trauma, and author of ten non-fiction books on family relationships, health, and true crime. An adjunct instructor for Seton Hall University’s Master’s in Counseling program, Denise maintains a private practice with offices in Morris and Somerset counties and is the state facilitator for strengthening community response to military survivors of sexual violence. She is a member of the American Counseling Association and the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress. You can reach Denise through her email, dvlwords@gmail.com or website at www.DLGCounselingAssociates.com.
