I have been so amazed by one of my client’s attitudes towards her divorce that I thought I would be beneficial to share her approach.
A while ago, I suggested that she attend a divorce support group that I help run. After the first meeting she said that she did not want to go again because she did not want to be her divorce.
Let me repeat. She did not want to BE her divorce.
After being in a room of men and women who seemed to be stuck in what had happened to them she recognized that re-living the experiences over and over again only brought her back to them. She wanted to move forward and start to live again.
This is an incredible healthy way to approach your divorce.
What happened during your marriage or during your divorce is in the past. Even if you are in the thick of it, what happened yesterday happened yesterday and is in the past. You can let the past define your current situation or you can accept your past experiences, learn from them if you can, and let them go.
I believe that this will be easier said than done for many, but imagine if you could let the past drop from in front of you. Wouldn’t the path be lighter? Wouldn’t you feel free of the anger and anxiety that is currently weighing you down?
When you are angry at someone (your X, for example) you are the one experiencing the anger. You are the one who is stressed. Your X s not here to experience your wrath or to hear what you have to say. Only you are here. When you re-live all your difficult experiences they come right back at you and you go through them again and again. You are the one to experience the anger not the intended recipient.
I know my client continues to experience difficulties in her divorce and she still has months to go before she is through the process; but she is coping very well. Her determination to not allow her divorce to define her life is making her journey much easier.
Another interesting result from her approach is that it has carried over to her lawyer. Her legal counsel’s approach has been modified as well. While her lawyer continues to be strategic and directed (one of the few I have found who is,) they have been less aggressive and “in your face”.
Setting aside the problems you have faced is something you might try. Start with baby steps; the fact that your X never picks the kids up on time for example. Let that one go. How can your anger at that fact either change it or make you feel better?
It can’t.
If you are not angry when your X arrives late the whole situation will decompress and you will feel better. Your children will notice the change and you will begin to anticipate pick up and drop off with a different mindset.
Give it a go, what do you have to lose?