The purpose of these ideas is to make life easier for you and most importantly, your children. I believe that stress is the root cause of illness and unhappiness in our lives so anything you can do to take it down a notch will be worth it.
As your children go back and forth between households It is likely that clothing will accumulate at one house or the other and will need to be re-distributed once in a while. The re-balancing could be monthly or weekly depending upon your parenting schedule and the sufficiency of both parents at doing laundry.
Why is this important to your kids? They need to feel secure that there will be some of their favorite clothes at each home so that when they get dressed they will like what they are wearing.
So how do you do this? Get a small/medium rolling suitcase and send it with the kids either empty if there is a shortage of clothing at one household or full if the kids have too much. Typically clothes will need to go both ways, too many t-shirts at Dad’s and too many pants at Mon’s. The kids can put the clothes away or fill up the suitcase if they are old enough or the other parent can do this before the next switching time. (Really great idea to send back clean clothes.)
Eventually you will have two sets of clothing on the go but a re-balancing will ensure that you kids have their favorite shirt/shoes/pants when they need them. You may also need to re-balance school supplies if one household ends up with 6 sets of colored pencils.
Put this concept in your parenting agreement or property settlement agreement if you can. As you prepare for your divorce keep the needs of your children front and center, try to lift the burden of the process off their shoulders as much as you can.
Living in two places would be complicated for adults let alone children. Where are my black loafers or where did I leave my gloves? Yet this is exactly the situation all children of divorce face every single day. One of the things you can do to ease this burden is to have two sets of everything. To the extent this is financially possible, get this done.
One for each home (even if you (as opposed to sharing the expense with your co-parent) have to buy both of them) so that they will never be without the essentials. Having two of important items will make life easier for you too as you will not have to drive between households if items are forgotten.
Here is a list that seems to be doable for most folks
Cell phone and computer chargers – worth the $20 you will spend.
Your children can then set up a desk in each home with only bringing the laptop and cell phone with them; they will feel more secure
Toiletries and personal items
Tooth brush & floss, hair brush, hair dryer, contacts, case & solution, make up, razor & shaving cream – all the items they need to get ready for school or bed.
Running shoes & slippers
Duplicates of their favorite blanket or stuffed animal (this can be tricky)
You may need to introduce them to the stuffed animal’s twin sister or brother who lives with you.
Medications – inhalers, epi pens, medications at least 2 days worth
Desk supplies – staplers, pencil sharpeners three hole punches, small amount of school supplies (folders, dividers, Bristol board, sharpies, colored pencils).
Sports equipment – if possible – this can get very costly. Tennis balls and extra soccer and hockey socks may be doable.
Items for their activities – photocopies of sheet music or extra ballet slippers.
Clothes – Usually children will have clothes at each home but if your parenting time is mostly on weekends having extra socks, undies and one or two sets of clothes is a good idea.
Put this concept in your parenting agreement or property settlement agreement if you can. As you prepare for your divorce keep the needs of your children front and center, try to lift the burden of the process off their shoulders as much as you can.
It is switching time for the children and you are at your X’s to pick up your children. The times typically negotiated for parenting switched always seems to be around dinner. Everyone is hungry, stressed and tempers are likely to fly. They forget something and you have to turn around and go back. Your children start quibbling in the back seat and you shout at them. Sound familiar? While this will not always be the case it will happen on occasion.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have ways to smooth out these times?
Over the next few weeks I will be posting some great tips to help you and your children through this stressful time.
The most effective way to keep everybody calm is to have some great snacks in the car or as I call it Traveling Food
When the kids are in the car give them a snack. An apple, cheese stick, grapes or granola bar will help balance their blood sugar and make them feel less stressed during the transition. Nothing large enough that it will spoil their appetite for dinner but enough to make them feel comfortable.
Eating will also give them something to do so that if you have more than one child it will minimize the time they have to get on each other’s nerves.
Dinner can then not have to be on the table in ten minutes after you step through the door. Everyone will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and not feel so rushed. This will make this time more enjoyable for everyone, including the parents.
So what do you do to keep your children on an even keel during transitions?
While a snack may seem like common sense to some of you it is not obvious to everyone. Adding language into your parenting agreement or property settlement agreement about trying to smooth out this time for the kids is a great idea. Pass this idea along to your divorce lawyer.
Child custody negotiation can be the most emotionally charged part of your divorce. A thought out approach is essential yet, due to the emotions, most folks are unable to do what is best for their children.
You have all heard that children should never be put in the middle of a divorce and that they should not be used as pawns in their negotiations. If kids are made unwilling players in the divorce it will irreparably harm them. No sugar coating here.
So what do you do if your X is using the children as a means to get what they want? How can you protect your children and help them deal with this. Believe me it is worse for them than for you.
Your children are intuitive and smarter than you think. They can see the games a mile away. They also love both parents. So when they are in the middle they get angry and confused (just like you).
A few simple things can help you children.
Never say bad things about your X. If the kids ask why the other parent is doing this your response could be along the lines of “Your mom/dad is having a hard time dealing with this right now but just remember that she/he loves you very much”.. ·
If you are approachable and non-judgmental about your X your children will find that they can talk to you about what is going on. Allowing your children to talk about what is going on will be of great benefit to them and to you. ·
Accept the anger that your kids have. When they lash out at you react with generosity and kindness, let them be angry and let them vent.
Your friends have been there for you it is the least you can do for your kids.
Remember that your children did not choose to “get divorced”, they are the causalities and you need to protect them the best you can.
