by Suzanne Sparrow | Oct 23, 2013 | Blog
Is time on your side during your divorce?
During the negotiation stage of your divorce I would have to say a big NO!!
The longer it takes to get through your negotiations the more you will spend Pendente Lite support “maintains the marital lifestyle” and it does not generally seem to recognize the reality of one income, two households. The paying spouse is often left in a situation with insufficient income to live on so either savings are used or debt is incurred to make ends meet. This interim support can go on for years if a divorce is prolonged causing significant erosion to savings or build up of debt.
The longer it takes to reach a settlement the more you will spend in fees for mediators, lawyers, therapists and other professionals. It will also take a significant toll on your life. The stress involved in divorce negotiations is not insignificant. This factor alone may be a reason to get through as fast as you can.
As well it is important to recognize that if you agree to something now that with the passage of time is no longer doable; you lose your job or you retire, you can re-negotiate your settlement.
On the other hand, to the extent you have one party that is dug into their position and is refusing to budge, then time may be the only way it will pass. Folks sometimes feel that just saying no often enough will allow them to get their way. I have seen this is many times. It may take a long time for people stuck in this mode to get it that divorce is a not an area where anyone gets what they want and it may take a few hits to the head in court for folks like this to get with the program and get on with their life.
On the beneficial side, as time passes your emotional wounds will heal and you will be more able to face your new life with joy. The amount of time it takes to get to this point depends upon your situation, did you want the divorce or was it a surprise?
Approach your negotiations with the intention to get through them as fast as you can. It will save you money and will allow you to move on with life. Build a strategy and plan for what you want to achieve, this will give you an edge in your negotiations as the other side may not have taken these steps.
by Suzanne Sparrow | Oct 18, 2013 | Blog
The designation of a parent as the “parent of primary residence” (PPR) or “parent of alternate residence” (PAR) is giving me angst. I have clients in a panic regarding getting this designation. I want to make sure that this is a battle worth fighting.
I have received two entirely different legal views as to the importance of this designation
In one camp… PPR is essential, getting this means that you will get child support and that the PPR can select the school for your children and change schools if the PPR moves to a different school district.
In the other camp…. PPR is the title given to the parent with the greater amount of parenting time and who receives child support. This camp says that the designation is not the determining factor to see if a parent received child support. This camp also states that the choice of schools is one of issues where joint legal custody comes into play.
Big difference.
I understood (I am not a lawyer) that income levels and the amount of overnights determines the amount of child support and who receives it. I believe that the child support calculation guidelines do favor the PPR in terms of increased dollars albeit very slightly. So let’s put child support aside for the moment as this is not the aspect of PPR that I am grappling with.
Who decides where the children go to school? One would hope that parents will co-operate with respect to the selection of schools but when there is a dispute, is the designation of PPR the deciding factor?
In thinking about this, perhaps there is an element of the first Camp’s position that is right. If you are the PPR (the parent with the greater amount of parenting time) and decide to move, you get to change the schools your children attend. Clearly in a situation where one parent has every other weekend + one night a week parenting time, their needs for a convenient school location is less important than the parent who has to get the children to school most days of the week.
So what happens in a 50/50 parenting arrangement? Who gets to decide which school district the children attend if one parent moves out of district? Is this a negotiated issue or is this an issue the courts have ruled that the PPR decides?
This is likely one of those issues that is as clear as mud and is decided (if the issue goes to court) on a case by case basis. It has been suggested that where the issue goes to court the court usually decides in favor of the PPR so perhaps that is where the pressure is coming from to get the PPR designation.
What is your experience? How was this handled in your divorce?
by Suzanne Sparrow | Jun 23, 2013 | Blog
OK so I am taking the advice of my social media too literally capitalizing on July 4th…
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get free from the anger you carry from your divorce.
Anger can consume you, certain problems become a mantra that you repeat over and over again each time re-living the situation and bringing everything back to the front of your brain.
The problem with being angry is that the only person being harmed is yourself. The person(s) you are angry with (your X, the court system, the world, the God of Fairness) is not the recipient of your anger. You are the one that is upset. You are the one who suffers.
Once you really get it that anger only hurts yourself it is easier to let go. I am not saying this will fix everything, because nothing has changed; but at least you will not be upset.
You need to make the decision that you will not let _________ (fill in your personal blank) ruin your life anymore. You will not allow yourself to give that situation the power over you any more.
STOP STOP STOP.
It really is that easy, it does not mean that you forgive, that will come in time, but at least you have some peace of mind.
Try it. The next time you feel yourself getting angry, tell yourself that you will not allow it to control you anymore and let it go.
by Suzanne Sparrow | May 31, 2013 | Blog
Father’s Day, the day we celebrate dad. Thank him for all he has done for us and rejoice in his company.
This is a time, when you have to remember that your X is not your dad he is your children’s dad and they want to celebrate the holiday. So you have to “man up” and either help your children make dad a card and gift or take the kids out to buy a card and gift for their dad. It is hard to do when you are angry and frustrated but it is so worth it.
Doing this will create good will between the two of you, even if it is not acknowledged. It will make you the better person and allow you to stand tall that you did the right thing for your children. Your children will also be greatly appreciative of your efforts although it may take years to hear it from them.
I used to celebrate father’s day by taking the day for myself. I had the day off (children are usually with their father on father’s day) and took advantage of the time to go to the beach with a good book or go play a round of golf.
Man up for your kids and enjoy your day off.
Ditto for mother’s day by the way gentlemen.
by Suzanne Sparrow | Mar 1, 2013 | Blog
This is a tricky question, and I do not believe that there is one right answer.
Obviously the age of the children is the overriding factor. If they are very young their best interests’ is the most important consideration. However as they get older it is important to listen.
I would NOT suggest that you ask your child what they want. Forcing them into a situation of having to choose between their parents is not fair and will only cause them stress. In addition you need to be mindful that children may manipulate this situation to get what they want. Tricky. They never said parenting would be easy.
As your children get older their schedules will be more important to consider than you own. What are their social obligations? Do they have band practice or sports? Do they hang out with friends after school or have a part time job? Do they stay after school for homework club or for tutoring?
Think about your desires for parenting and balance them with that of your children. If you and your X live close to each other or you have the ability to chauffeur them around after school it may not make a difference.
One of my clients gave their children the flexibility to go to one parent’s house after school and then be driven to the other parent’s later in the day. This allowed them to go to their school activities and friends houses without any stress. They did not have to say ‘no’ to hanging out with a friend because they had to go to the other parent’s house.
While it may not be possible for your children to have this type of flexibility it is important to listen to what they are asking and try to make their life as easy as possible.
You also need to balance the need for discipline in all of this. If your children need to be supervised to get their homework done or to keep out of mischief (a favorite pastime for many 11-13 year olds) allowing them full freedom may not be the best plan.
So now that you are completely confused….
My point is thats you need to keep your children’s life as normal as possible. Try not to let your desires for parenting time be the driving factor in the decision. Consider their needs in the process.
